TELL ME I CAN BECOME AS GNARLY AS KATSEYE

I’m watching Dream Academy, which is a documentary of the training program and competition that led to the creation of KATSEYE, the global girl group. Through a 12-month rigorous training process followed by a brutal competition, the group of trainees goes from 20 girls to the final group of six who debut as KATSEYE. The girls are harshly critiqued, publicly judged, manipulated by the record label for drama, and for their final transformation they are neatly packaged into a digestible musical-dance product. Their emotions throughout the documentary are deep and real even when they’re purposely brought out by the record label’s deception. At one point the girls are told to select the five people they would want in their ideal group and they were told these opinions would be private. However, these selections were still shared among the entire group as well as live streamed to the world. After these opinions are aired out, four girls are eliminated. These eliminations closely aligned with the girls that who were chosen one or zero times to be in their teammates’ groups. The selections for the next phase of the competition are served to them through an automated voice on a TV screen. Every piece of the selection process caters to a system that worships efficiency, automation and the illusion of perfection which are the ideals put forth by the techno-capitalist moment we exist in. None of the girls entered the program with the knowledge it was an elimination show. Perhaps this was a bit naive of them to think since the program was run by one of the biggest record labels in Korea that’s known for elimination-based shows, but it was unethical deception by the company nonetheless.

I went on a rant last blog about my issues with personal essays, yet I continue to make this blog all about me. Please I’m a star!! And the internet is telling me I must package myself as one. You need to give personality before you give art or no one will care about you is what it says. It feels like every time I open my Tik Tok it’s telling me I need to post 20 times a day. I need to have a niche. I need to sell a physical product. I need to have a personal brand. Every time I feed into these feelings of what the algorithm tells me I must be, I become further unaligned from the process of creating art. It becomes about the outcome, which should never be the goal of creation. The more I can entrench myself in the process and love the discomfort of it, the better my creations become.

I feel caught in the idea of what an artist is. A part of me thinks that it means to live an ascetic lifestyle. If I’m an artist I need to abandon every capitalistic urge to monetize. I need to listen to the words in the Tao and relinquish every desire within myself in order to achieve enlightenment. I’ll only write about trees and plants. I’ll encourage you all to take a vow of silence and not care so much about your appearance. I’m also caught in the notion that to be an artist is to be a cultural sensation. You should strive to be a household name and build an empire akin to Beyonce’s. It’s the shiny brand deals and the fame that make art worthy. I want to be the thing that our society places on a pedestal. Maybe then everything will make sense.

I know I would hate my life and my creation if I fed into the idea that I needed to exist in either of those two extremes. I want my art to be created in the delicate balance between them. The delicate balance between a fame fetish and giving up all my earthly delights. I cannot completely disregard the systems and time I have been placed in. My art and my ideas are a product of my time and place in this world. I cannot escape the ways in which I was made to reflect the tiny piece of the universe I inhabit. Finding my voice feels like accepting what I’ve always known I was here to say. No longer fighting the feeling that my words will be too much or not enough.

While watching Dream Academy I’ve been struck by the heart the girls pour into their craft. Disregarding the record label deception and commodification of their artistry, they’re truly special to watch. I’m not sure how they can make terrible pop lyrics so fascinating and catchy (watch them perform Gnarly to understand what I mean). They are magnetic and powerful, perfectly in-sync yet maintain their own individual personalities. I have close to zero K-pop knowledge but I understand the appeal. Their group is in itself a living organism, stronger because of the different skill sets and personalities that coexist within it. They have a balance and soul in their performances that inspires me to better reflect my heart in my own work.☆